For the past week, I've had the privilege of having my amazing kids for spring break. The time I get to spend with them is not a lot, but during the year, I try to make the moments count. Working while they are here can prove to be problematic, because I work an overnight shift and sleep during the morning and early afternoon. The good thing is, my son Merlin, Jr. is almost 15 and he keeps the ship upright while I'm sleeping.
Sometimes, the world just isn't right though. While they have been here, I've worked 4 days and 3 of those days have called for 3 to 4 hours of overtime, which cuts into the sleep hours and when you are trying to spend as much time with your kids, it's very hard to budget time on no sleep or too much sleep. Earlier this week, I got home from work at 1pm and made the kids lunch. I set my alarm for 6pm so I could get up and get their dinner done, but it seems that once the alarm had gone off, I either turned the alarm off or threw the phone across the room in disgust at the lack of sleep...I'm not sure. I finally wake up in a hurry and realize that the sun is no longer stabbing me through the curtain, which means that I had overslept, a lot.
I bust out of the room to see if my apartment is destroyed or to see if my kids are huddled in a corner dying from starvation. Neither was the case and when I questioned my son about their dinner, he simply said, "It's alright, we've been eating crackers." Mind you, they ate an entire box of Saltines. I was disgusted at myself for a moment, but I excused my lack of parenting to the fact that in the previous 3 days, I've only had 6 hours of sleep. I felt that my sleep and parenting was justified or at least that is what I told myself to make myself not feel so bad.
Later in the week, I had time to take my kids to a park to play some pitch and catch; a lake to do some fishing; and we've watched Brother Bear about 40 times. I sometimes feel bad that I can't afford to take them to see and experience everything that the big city has to offer, but the kids seem content on just spending time out of school.
My son, who is so sucked into his phone, would probably forget to eat or drink unless I reminded him...or he found a box of Saltines; that just happened to be sitting beside a loaf of bread and all the things needed to make a delicious sandwich. I get frustrated because of his lack of desire to do anything but sit on his phone, but I have to remember that there is only so much I can take away from him without him hating to come see me.
My daughter Bry and my youngest son Rabbit have seemed to have bonded pretty good. She plays and talks to him and he is always trying to sit with her. Which is really neat to watch their interaction from across the room. However, she is the culprit that watches the same movies over and over again. The most difficult thing for me to decide is do I pull them away from what they really like to do in exchange for forcing them to do things that we can all do together and doesn't involve any electronics.
Rabbit, who I get on Saturdays, is not interested in TV at all. He's the kid that if you turn your back, he will find his way into a cleaning closet. He's probably the easiest of my kids to entertain, but getting them in the same room is like pulling teeth! I have yet to find one thing that all of us can enjoy at the same time. If we were to go to a park with all three kids, Rabbit and Bry would have a blast while Merlin Jr.'s nerves would be shot trying to keep them at a safe distance so they don't get hurt. His over-protective nature is nice to some degree, but I wish he would just be a kid and enjoy breaking the monotony.
Either way, I'm enjoying the time with them. However, I hope the day comes when the only thing that they really want to do when they come to visit is fish.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Downfall
The bureaucratic machine that drives most business is an absolute necessity. Whether it's a financial business looking for consistency among their book keepers or a police force looking for consistency amongst the ranks of enforcement, the bureaucratic machine has in place certain guidelines that are best suited for the machine as a whole. However, creating a bureaucratic environment is much harder when the environment in which it operates is a fluid environment that allows only fractions of a second to make life altering decisions of enforcement.
As a police officer, there are guidelines set in place; rules, regulations, general orders, operating procedures, laws, and interpretation of those guidelines. Each officer has their morals, but each place of business or department expects and demands ethical behavior. This is where interpretation becomes the hardest part of the job. Not because an officer is expected to judge the world in black in white, but because the world is so gray that either black or white is the wrong thing to do.
There are so many different ways to get from point A to point B. There is the long way, short way, short cut, back door, side window, dirt road, paved road, physical, and easy way; depending on the situation, each one of those paths are both right and wrong. The majority of decisions made by officers are based on the ethics, but can sometimes become clouded by their morals or lack of. It's important to realize that it's never as easy as black and white.
Every situation as at least two sides. Each encounter has a good guy and a bad guy and it's imperative to realize that if the perspective is reversed, the good guy becomes the bad guy and the bad guy becomes the good guy. With that said, there is usually a winner and loser, but there are some cases where there are no winners. Every officer has faced the challenge of alleviating problems and have come face to face with the fact that at this particular moment, no one wins. This particular situation is the hardest for an officer, who is human, to alleviate.
In most cases, the officer will make a decision that they feel is the ethical and moral sound decision. What happens when this particular decision is reviewed by the bureaucrats that were not there? What happens when the bureaucrats forget what its like to be faced with these decisions? The bureaucratic machine, which sees the gray world as black and white, is now placed in a position to make their own ethical decision; void of emotion and void of allegiance.
The days where a supervisor does his best to keep situations handled on the lowest level of the chain of command are over. The days where a supervisor protects their subordinates from the punishing arm of bureaucratic justice and themselves are done. Leadership has taken a back seat to Management and the perception of protection no longer lies within the blue wall of silence, but within silence alone. There is no blue wall nor a code of silence. The coined phrase of "Don't ask; don't tell" has become "Tell, so they won't ask".
I've been told, "The pendulum swings both ways...things will become they way the used to be." I do not see that happening at all. At my five year mark, I can tell rookie police officers about the way 'we' used to handle certain situations. In amazement, they can't believe it. The sad part; when these rookies get to their five year mark, they will tell rookies the same thing and be looked at with dumbfounded curiosity and disbelief.
I'm aware that things will never be as they were. I'm aware that trust among officers go only as far as the fear of repercussions. However, it's disappointing to realize that doing the moral and ethical thing is also punishable. It's even more disappointing to realize that the very thing you may get punished for is the very thing that was once considered the norm by the ones doling out your punishment. What's even more disappointing is realizing that the very thing you may be getting punished for has resulted in a punishment that is usually reserved for a much more egregious offense that was committed by the ones demanding such penance for you.
To keep things in perspective, I tell myself that no matter what happens, my integrity is what matters. The values and morals that were passed to me from my parents and the community that raised me are the goal. Despite the changes that the world makes and despite the decline in the world's moral fiber, I find solace. If I keep in mind that my integrity is not based on ethics, but my values and morals; I can go home every day of my life and smile. When the time comes for me to be the supervisor, it is my goal to be a leader. I want to be the leader that sets a high standard of excellence that is desired to be followed. I want to be a leader that earns respect and never demands it. I do not want to be the bureaucratic manager that forgets the road I traveled and caters to media or public opinion. I want to be a man of integrity and that fact alone will be my downfall.
As a police officer, there are guidelines set in place; rules, regulations, general orders, operating procedures, laws, and interpretation of those guidelines. Each officer has their morals, but each place of business or department expects and demands ethical behavior. This is where interpretation becomes the hardest part of the job. Not because an officer is expected to judge the world in black in white, but because the world is so gray that either black or white is the wrong thing to do.
There are so many different ways to get from point A to point B. There is the long way, short way, short cut, back door, side window, dirt road, paved road, physical, and easy way; depending on the situation, each one of those paths are both right and wrong. The majority of decisions made by officers are based on the ethics, but can sometimes become clouded by their morals or lack of. It's important to realize that it's never as easy as black and white.
Every situation as at least two sides. Each encounter has a good guy and a bad guy and it's imperative to realize that if the perspective is reversed, the good guy becomes the bad guy and the bad guy becomes the good guy. With that said, there is usually a winner and loser, but there are some cases where there are no winners. Every officer has faced the challenge of alleviating problems and have come face to face with the fact that at this particular moment, no one wins. This particular situation is the hardest for an officer, who is human, to alleviate.
In most cases, the officer will make a decision that they feel is the ethical and moral sound decision. What happens when this particular decision is reviewed by the bureaucrats that were not there? What happens when the bureaucrats forget what its like to be faced with these decisions? The bureaucratic machine, which sees the gray world as black and white, is now placed in a position to make their own ethical decision; void of emotion and void of allegiance.
The days where a supervisor does his best to keep situations handled on the lowest level of the chain of command are over. The days where a supervisor protects their subordinates from the punishing arm of bureaucratic justice and themselves are done. Leadership has taken a back seat to Management and the perception of protection no longer lies within the blue wall of silence, but within silence alone. There is no blue wall nor a code of silence. The coined phrase of "Don't ask; don't tell" has become "Tell, so they won't ask".
I've been told, "The pendulum swings both ways...things will become they way the used to be." I do not see that happening at all. At my five year mark, I can tell rookie police officers about the way 'we' used to handle certain situations. In amazement, they can't believe it. The sad part; when these rookies get to their five year mark, they will tell rookies the same thing and be looked at with dumbfounded curiosity and disbelief.
I'm aware that things will never be as they were. I'm aware that trust among officers go only as far as the fear of repercussions. However, it's disappointing to realize that doing the moral and ethical thing is also punishable. It's even more disappointing to realize that the very thing you may get punished for is the very thing that was once considered the norm by the ones doling out your punishment. What's even more disappointing is realizing that the very thing you may be getting punished for has resulted in a punishment that is usually reserved for a much more egregious offense that was committed by the ones demanding such penance for you.
To keep things in perspective, I tell myself that no matter what happens, my integrity is what matters. The values and morals that were passed to me from my parents and the community that raised me are the goal. Despite the changes that the world makes and despite the decline in the world's moral fiber, I find solace. If I keep in mind that my integrity is not based on ethics, but my values and morals; I can go home every day of my life and smile. When the time comes for me to be the supervisor, it is my goal to be a leader. I want to be the leader that sets a high standard of excellence that is desired to be followed. I want to be a leader that earns respect and never demands it. I do not want to be the bureaucratic manager that forgets the road I traveled and caters to media or public opinion. I want to be a man of integrity and that fact alone will be my downfall.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
The Art of Influence.
For 12 years of my life, I had the privilege of wearing the stripes of an Air Force airman. By the time I finished my career as an E6 Technical Sergeant, I had the distinct privilege of learning how to be a leader from some of the most distinguished and honorable military leaders that anyone could have asked for.
Sgt. Michael Kovach drilled into my head on almost a daily basis that the two fundamental elements of leadership are the mission and the people who accomplish the mission. Under his leadership, I learned that being a leader was more than managing personnel, but leadership was the art of influencing people. I learned that a leader that is willing to engage in a mission and fight beside those who they lead, instead of just enforcing policy and sitting behind a desk, are the leaders that troops will give 100% for.
Sgt Ronald Crowl also taught me some valuable lessons in leadership. He showed me that knowledge is power. The more you know about the job you are doing, allows you the opportunity to share that knowledge and power with those that work for you. This makes the team stronger and allows each person to diversify their portfolios so that it makes them more marketable and a bigger asset.
Sgt Freddie Eckert showed me that integrity, pride in appearance, and pride in your abilities was key in accomplishing mentoring to others without saying a word. This alone was enough to influence other to be better than the norm. This taught me that if I have integrity and ethics, I believe in myself, without saying a word, I can show subordinates and my leadership that I am ready and willing to lead by my actions.
Sgt Joseph Portuondo was the best friend and cohort that I could have ever asked for. Because of the parallel of our career, he was never really in the position to be my direct supervisor, but he was always my friend. We got into numerous situations and we got out of those situations together as a team. We didn't always agree on the methods of alleviating situations, but when our backs were against the wall, we were a team and we lived and fought as brothers. He showed me what it was like to be brothers at arms.
The 12 years I spent in the Armed Forces shaped me and made me the man I am today. These values and leadership qualities have been lessons that I could carry into any job or mission and I'm set up for success.
The road has not always been easy. There have been times when I felt like I was forgotten, pressured, spit on by the very ones I vowed to give my life for. I had moments when I didn't think I would make it through, but when I was in the darkest part of my life (both personal and professional) I remembered the words of 4 Sgts that influenced me the most.
As a police officer, it's harder to find leadership that is as defined as it is in the military. Bureaucracy has a way of forgetting that police officers work in a fluid environment. Changes happen by the moment and it's the training, values, and ethics of individual officers that change a person's life at that very moment. However, because of the teaching and mentoring I have received from my military days, I have not bent to the bureaucratic agenda when my personal integrity, values, and ethics were questioned or came under scrutiny. For this, I have my pride and honor intact.
To those that have given me the training and leadership that have made me the person I am today, I want to say thank you. Many of you have not been named due to the lack of time and words to express my most sincere gratitude. However, you have not been forgotten.
Thank you.
Sgt. Michael Kovach drilled into my head on almost a daily basis that the two fundamental elements of leadership are the mission and the people who accomplish the mission. Under his leadership, I learned that being a leader was more than managing personnel, but leadership was the art of influencing people. I learned that a leader that is willing to engage in a mission and fight beside those who they lead, instead of just enforcing policy and sitting behind a desk, are the leaders that troops will give 100% for.
Sgt Ronald Crowl also taught me some valuable lessons in leadership. He showed me that knowledge is power. The more you know about the job you are doing, allows you the opportunity to share that knowledge and power with those that work for you. This makes the team stronger and allows each person to diversify their portfolios so that it makes them more marketable and a bigger asset.
Sgt Freddie Eckert showed me that integrity, pride in appearance, and pride in your abilities was key in accomplishing mentoring to others without saying a word. This alone was enough to influence other to be better than the norm. This taught me that if I have integrity and ethics, I believe in myself, without saying a word, I can show subordinates and my leadership that I am ready and willing to lead by my actions.
Sgt Joseph Portuondo was the best friend and cohort that I could have ever asked for. Because of the parallel of our career, he was never really in the position to be my direct supervisor, but he was always my friend. We got into numerous situations and we got out of those situations together as a team. We didn't always agree on the methods of alleviating situations, but when our backs were against the wall, we were a team and we lived and fought as brothers. He showed me what it was like to be brothers at arms.
The 12 years I spent in the Armed Forces shaped me and made me the man I am today. These values and leadership qualities have been lessons that I could carry into any job or mission and I'm set up for success.
The road has not always been easy. There have been times when I felt like I was forgotten, pressured, spit on by the very ones I vowed to give my life for. I had moments when I didn't think I would make it through, but when I was in the darkest part of my life (both personal and professional) I remembered the words of 4 Sgts that influenced me the most.
As a police officer, it's harder to find leadership that is as defined as it is in the military. Bureaucracy has a way of forgetting that police officers work in a fluid environment. Changes happen by the moment and it's the training, values, and ethics of individual officers that change a person's life at that very moment. However, because of the teaching and mentoring I have received from my military days, I have not bent to the bureaucratic agenda when my personal integrity, values, and ethics were questioned or came under scrutiny. For this, I have my pride and honor intact.
To those that have given me the training and leadership that have made me the person I am today, I want to say thank you. Many of you have not been named due to the lack of time and words to express my most sincere gratitude. However, you have not been forgotten.
Thank you.
Monday, February 24, 2014
The unspeakable sin.
She sat on the couch with her feet tucked under her and her chin resting on her knees. Gazing into the television, she looked past the pointless picture and white noise and found herself wondering around her mind, running the mental video of yesterday through her mind and searching for clues to todays tragic events. Breathing in and out and occasionally aiming her breath to keep her tangled bangs from her eyes, she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth and softly shakes her head in unquestionable disappointment.
She peeks over her shoulder and gazes at the flowers delivered earlier that morning. The mix of yellow roses and wild flowers served as a reminder of one of the most confusing and hurtful days of her life. If only he would have listened. If only he would have heard her say the words that could have saved him. She closes her eyes and buries her face into her knees as a small tear rolled down her face and suspended from the corner of her chin until the salty tear softly gathered enough of a following to fall to a soft landing on the thigh of her pajama pants. "Why?" she whispered to herself.
She threw her head back in a sort of resolve and took a deep breath as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "Why didn't you listen?!" she yells. She walks over to the flowers and in disgust, pulls them from the green glass vase. She walks over to the trash and shoves the flowers into the trash and then turns around as the emotions hit her again. She leans her forehead against the refrigerator and tightly squeezes the last bit of tears from her eyes. "Why?!"
Determined to overcome the heartbreak and loneliness, she calls the one person that can help her see past the tragedy. "Dad, he's gone. I'm lonely and I didn't think that he would ever go so tragically."
Her dad takes a deep breath and ask her to explain the last conversation that was shared between them to hopefully shine some light on the tragic event. "Well," she said as she sniffed her nose dry, "I told him that all I wanted was some flowers...." Her dad again, questions her true intentions and asked if all she said was "flowers."
"Yes! I told him that all I wanted was flowers and that's all he gave me before he left."
"Well, Sweetheart, if you wanted a different gift, then why didn't you say so? If you said you wanted flowers, then why did you kick him out, throw a brick through his car window and light his clothes on fire in the front lawn if he gave you exactly what you wanted?"
"He should have known without me telling him, Dad!"
She peeks over her shoulder and gazes at the flowers delivered earlier that morning. The mix of yellow roses and wild flowers served as a reminder of one of the most confusing and hurtful days of her life. If only he would have listened. If only he would have heard her say the words that could have saved him. She closes her eyes and buries her face into her knees as a small tear rolled down her face and suspended from the corner of her chin until the salty tear softly gathered enough of a following to fall to a soft landing on the thigh of her pajama pants. "Why?" she whispered to herself.
She threw her head back in a sort of resolve and took a deep breath as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "Why didn't you listen?!" she yells. She walks over to the flowers and in disgust, pulls them from the green glass vase. She walks over to the trash and shoves the flowers into the trash and then turns around as the emotions hit her again. She leans her forehead against the refrigerator and tightly squeezes the last bit of tears from her eyes. "Why?!"
Determined to overcome the heartbreak and loneliness, she calls the one person that can help her see past the tragedy. "Dad, he's gone. I'm lonely and I didn't think that he would ever go so tragically."
Her dad takes a deep breath and ask her to explain the last conversation that was shared between them to hopefully shine some light on the tragic event. "Well," she said as she sniffed her nose dry, "I told him that all I wanted was some flowers...." Her dad again, questions her true intentions and asked if all she said was "flowers."
"Yes! I told him that all I wanted was flowers and that's all he gave me before he left."
"Well, Sweetheart, if you wanted a different gift, then why didn't you say so? If you said you wanted flowers, then why did you kick him out, throw a brick through his car window and light his clothes on fire in the front lawn if he gave you exactly what you wanted?"
"He should have known without me telling him, Dad!"
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Small things
There was a time when I felt it necessary to publicly voice my opinion and deep seeded feelings about life and situations that I have been through. Some of those feelings were as fresh as the moment I wrote them. There was no real thought about consequence or who I may be hurting, but the idea that getting my thoughts together and venting publically would allow me a sort of freedom and integrity. I may have placed myself in an embarrassing moment, but the embarrassment was secondary to the fact that my integrity meant more to me than perception. To be honest, the fact that I was being so honest with myself and others gave me an empowerment that overshadowed any embarrassing moment, because I was honest and open about what I felt and why I felt the way that I did. However, I have to concede to the fact that everyone has problems and issues that are no less important than my own. Everyone has a story. Everyone has something to say and sometimes it's just as important to remain silent and just listen.
Listening has become a talent that very few have, no one really wants, and everyone needs. It is this certain revelation that I have become keen on while doing the job that I believe I have been called to do. Police.
When I first started as a young charismatic police officer, I was given the opportunity to patrol some of the hardest and dangerous streets in America. My eyes and ears were trained to spot danger and react/alleviate the danger despite the cost. Fighting and bravado became a strength that was relied on while dealing with people that I looked at as indigenous. I got the job done. I made arrest and I gave people, as well as fellow officers, the peace of mind that I could go to war and accomplish the mission. Although officer safety was my first concern, one of the things that I recognized is that statistics and success was not always a winning combination.
There have been several cases where I have arrested suspects for heinous and violent crimes and I've gone home with a sense of accomplishment. In reality, I did accomplish the main objective, but did I do everything that a police officer should, not just the victims of crimes, but also for the suspect that was arrested?
Prior to graduating college with a Bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice, I attended courses that painted a different picture of who I was and what I wanted to be. These courses opened my eyes to a perspective that maybe I was blind to previously. I learned that police work was more than just making arrest. It was more than chasing down drug dealers and burglars. It was more about giving people hope. It was about showing people that my personal perspective and beliefs were not more important than the one's asking for help or the one's that I was arresting.
Over the past couple of years, I have engaged citizens who have been victims of abuse, crime, and economic ruin. I have encountered mentally ill citizens that were looking for more than medication and tolerance. By opening up my mind and seeing more than what the moment was revealing on the surface, I've learned that each encounter with a person is a chance to be an ambassador of hope for a future. I've learned that some suspects are not just dirt bags, but some of these people and suspects are people looking for answers and guidance. Some are looking for heroes and positive role models. Believe it or not, without choosing to be a hero or a role model, when pinning the badge of a police officer on my shirt everyday, I am in a position to teach and be the hero that they are expecting me to be. This is the reason that I love my job. Not only am I the one to save someone's life, but I'm also the one to show them that there is at least one person in the world that believes they are worth saving.
After all, I believe that if I can be the one to listen and show them the respect that they believe they deserve, then I'm not only correcting a behavior, but I'm also allowing them the chance to see that changing their future is possible. I have heard several testimonies from officers that have said that years later, someone that they have arrested or encountered have returned to them and told them that their encounter was a life changing moment. I can only hope that one day, I will be rewarded with the chance to give this same testimony. The majority of officers that I work with have hope that this will also be their testimony.
Listening has become a talent that very few have, no one really wants, and everyone needs. It is this certain revelation that I have become keen on while doing the job that I believe I have been called to do. Police.
When I first started as a young charismatic police officer, I was given the opportunity to patrol some of the hardest and dangerous streets in America. My eyes and ears were trained to spot danger and react/alleviate the danger despite the cost. Fighting and bravado became a strength that was relied on while dealing with people that I looked at as indigenous. I got the job done. I made arrest and I gave people, as well as fellow officers, the peace of mind that I could go to war and accomplish the mission. Although officer safety was my first concern, one of the things that I recognized is that statistics and success was not always a winning combination.
There have been several cases where I have arrested suspects for heinous and violent crimes and I've gone home with a sense of accomplishment. In reality, I did accomplish the main objective, but did I do everything that a police officer should, not just the victims of crimes, but also for the suspect that was arrested?
Prior to graduating college with a Bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice, I attended courses that painted a different picture of who I was and what I wanted to be. These courses opened my eyes to a perspective that maybe I was blind to previously. I learned that police work was more than just making arrest. It was more than chasing down drug dealers and burglars. It was more about giving people hope. It was about showing people that my personal perspective and beliefs were not more important than the one's asking for help or the one's that I was arresting.
Over the past couple of years, I have engaged citizens who have been victims of abuse, crime, and economic ruin. I have encountered mentally ill citizens that were looking for more than medication and tolerance. By opening up my mind and seeing more than what the moment was revealing on the surface, I've learned that each encounter with a person is a chance to be an ambassador of hope for a future. I've learned that some suspects are not just dirt bags, but some of these people and suspects are people looking for answers and guidance. Some are looking for heroes and positive role models. Believe it or not, without choosing to be a hero or a role model, when pinning the badge of a police officer on my shirt everyday, I am in a position to teach and be the hero that they are expecting me to be. This is the reason that I love my job. Not only am I the one to save someone's life, but I'm also the one to show them that there is at least one person in the world that believes they are worth saving.
After all, I believe that if I can be the one to listen and show them the respect that they believe they deserve, then I'm not only correcting a behavior, but I'm also allowing them the chance to see that changing their future is possible. I have heard several testimonies from officers that have said that years later, someone that they have arrested or encountered have returned to them and told them that their encounter was a life changing moment. I can only hope that one day, I will be rewarded with the chance to give this same testimony. The majority of officers that I work with have hope that this will also be their testimony.
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